Episode 172: Bravery in Parenting: Helping Your Child Face Life’s Toughest Challenges with Dana Diaz

In this episode, DJ chats with Dana Diaz about the bravery it takes to parent through tough circumstances. Listen in as Dana shares her journey of raising her son while navigating a challenging marriage affected by narcissism and alcoholism. Stay tuned as she emphasizes the importance of leading with love, respecting her son's autonomy, and teaching him resilience.

Dana encourages parents to focus on the next right step, embrace honesty, and avoid overcomplicating things. She also stresses the importance of letting children process their emotions naturally without forcing them to revisit trauma. For more on Dana’s powerful story, check out her book Gasping for Air: The Stranglehold of Narcissistic Abuse, available at danadiaz.com.

Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe to Imperfect Heroes so you never miss an episode!

TIMESTAMPS
3:36  ​​DJ Stutz and Dana Diaz discuss the commonality of parenting regrets and the importance of seeking advice and support.
11:37  DJ Stutz and Dana Diaz talk about the importance of teaching children to find joy even in challenging times.
24:57  DJ Stutz and Dana Diaz emphasize the importance of teaching children to be resilient and self-reliant.
28:47  Dana Diaz advises new parents to relax and not overcomplicate things, focusing on meeting the child's basic needs.

For more information on the Imperfect Heroes podcast, visit: https://www.imperfectheroespodcast.com/

Connect with Us!
DJ Stutz -
Website: https://www.littleheartsacademyusa.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/littleheartsacademy/
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DJ Stutz Booking Link: https://bookme.name/Imperfectheroespodcast

ONE ON ONE COACHING Link: https://www.littleheartsacademyusa.com/courses/one-on-one-coaching-bundle

Find DJ’s Book “Roman is Bigger” on Amazon, KIndle, Barnes&Noble, and Walmart.

Dana Diaz -
Website - https://danasdiaz.com/
Email - ryannwatkin@gmail.com

Books: Choking on Shame - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DGVWZHWK?ref=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_FEM1PWJ1FXBZ8T8518SC&ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_FEM1PWJ1FXBZ8T8518SC&social_share=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_FEM1PWJ1FXBZ8T8518SC

Gasping for Air - https://www.amazon.com/Gasping-Air-Stranglehold-Narcissistic-Abuse/dp/B0C6WBCWNG/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danas.diaz/Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/DanaSDiazAu

Transcript

DJ Stutz  0:14  
You're listening to imperfect heroes insights into parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in An imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. 

 Welcome heroes and heroines to Episode 172 of imperfect heroes, and we are so glad to have you here. So this month, as you probably know, we are discussing bravery and bravery with our kids, helping them to understand how that works, and how to encourage them and give them that strength and independence so that they're able to do it well on their own. And so before we get started with my amazing guest, I just wanted to share that if you have not already signed up for our newsletter, ya need to do so today. So whether you go on the Little Hearts Academy webpage or the Imperfect Heroes Podcast web page, you're going to get a pop up and it'll say, sign up here. And we only send it out twice a month, the first Tuesday and the third Tuesday of the month. And so we just keep you up with all the fun things that we're doing, my appearances in different places, updates on my books, and then we give you also some fun little activities, tips and tricks to help your kids develop whatever we're working on for the theme of that month. And so lots of fun family activities and some great things doesn't cost you a penny. So just go and sign up, and the link to both the Little Hearts Academy and the Imperfect Heroes web pages are in the show notes below, so just go ahead and click and you're there. All right. Well, let's get started. So my guest today is Dana Diaz. You know, we started talking clear back, I think, last September, I mean, like a year ago, September, and wanting to make this all work and come to play. And so I'm so excited to finally have you on, Dana, why don't you talk to our listeners a little bit about your history and where you come from?

Dana Diaz  2:37  
Yeah, absolutely. I have spent most of my life in Illinois. Unfortunately, it's not exciting. I'm 90 miles southwest of Chicago, Windy City, and it has certainly been windy lately. I have a son. He's going to be 21 in a couple months. If I can't even believe it. I'm more recently known for authoring a book about my former marriage. 25 years that I was with my ex, it was a little complicated, because he was in a narcissist who used multiple abuses to control me and coerce me. He also had an addiction to alcohol, which I think speaks to the idea that we assume narcissists think that they are so superior, some do, but some don't. Some actually have a deep seated insecurity that they don't really like themselves at all, and they seek that admiration praise from others. Fortunately, I can say there's a happy ending again. My son has grown. He is doing so well. We managed to get through. And even though I didn't know what I was doing, and even though I have some regrets, for the most part, I give myself some credit, because that was a tough situation, and I raised an amazing young man, and I'm proud of that,

DJ Stutz  3:50  
And you should be. And the reality is, though, Dana that all of us have regrets, it's just part of being a parent. And so you look back and you think I could have handled this better, or I should have done that, or I should have been more aware. When you have times when you didn't realize something was going on, even with one of your kids, and you think, how did I miss all the signs? Or whatever? Everybody has regrets. And I think that for people who are in the situation that you were in where you didn't really have a good example to follow in parenting, that it's great to admit that and to say, Geez, I kind of know what I don't want to do exactly, but I'm not sure how to accomplish the things I want to do. And so that's where getting a coach or taking some classes, which is more what I did, was taking a lot of classes, and then from that, blossomed into an early childhood specialist. But when you feel insecure about your abilities as a parent, that's a piece of bravery, I think, too, is being brave enough to say, All right, I don't know what I'm doing on this part. And it may be a lot of things. It may just be a couple things that, you're like, Oh, I didn't see this coming. I'm not sure what to do. Let me get some advice from some other people. And so for you to do and take the stand and understand and admit, I just don't know really exactly what direction to take and then move forward with that, that takes a significant amount of bravery itself. And so I think, too, one of the things that I really talk about when I was teaching kindergarten and directing some preschools and then raising my own kids, is when I finally came to the realization, and it took me a while to really understand, you know, you talk about, be brave. Heroes are brave. And all of this, kids and I think sometimes adults as well confuse that you cannot be brave unless you are scared. 

Dana Diaz  5:51  
Yes, ding, ding, ding,

DJ Stutz  5:52  
Yeah. But if you're not scared, it's just humdrum every day. Okay? This is what I'm doing, right? But you have to be scared in order to be brave. And so how did you come to terms with that, not only with you, but then teaching your own son? There were times, I'm sure, when he needed to be brave, or you two needed to be brave together in that situation. And so you supported each other. 

Dana Diaz  6:19  
Absolutely.  And just getting through. And I think what you said is so significant. I mean, I remember one conversation that I went to my son's room because he withdrew. If there was so much tension, even if nothing was going on in the house, you could just literally feel it in the air. Cut it with a knife. So he would withdraw, go to his room, just try to kind of fly under the radar, as I call it, and if things escalated, if he even heard any sign of any indication things were going to escalate, his door closed. But I remember, after some nastiness between me and his dad, I went to his room, and the thing about it was that he didn't ever want to talk about anything. And that always concerned me, because you always think, like, let's get our feelings out. Let's talk about it. Let's work through it. What I realized with my son number one, and I think this is where that bravery comes in, is the fear comes from the unknown, especially, I mean, who really knows what they're doing unless you've had a few kids and you've got to feel a little practice, and you've taken classes, but it really every kid is different. Every child is different, so you have to kind of figure them out and figure out how this is going to work with this one versus that one. But I only had one, so I knew him pretty well, and I knew forcing him to talk or forcing something was not going to work. I always was told that forcing something makes it break, and I didn't want to break that bond between us. So I think when I went to him, I remember saying something like, you know, I don't know what to do about this anymore than you do, but I love you, and I think that in the entire time I've been a mother, that's what I led with because I wasn't loved at a child. So I always went back to like you said, What I didn't get. And even if I didn't know what to do, I just led with love. And so anytime I had to address something with my son, as far as something going on in the house, or even if it was something at his school, whatever it always led with love, and I would always start with saying, first of all, and more importantly than anything else, I love you. Now, here's what it is.

DJ Stutz  8:31  
And that's really a great approach, even when they're really in trouble.

Dana Diaz  8:35  
Yeah, because I felt like I didn't want to be that parent who criticized, and then there was judgment and shame that came with that, because boy, I was the scapegoat in my childhood. I was the scapegoat for everybody's unhealed trauma and shame and ridiculed and I was bullied at school. But that's where the bravery came in for me, and that's what I wanted my son to know, is that no matter what no matter what you see, no matter what you hear, no matter what somebody does to you, you get up off the ground, you wipe the dirt off your knees, and you keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I wanted to be the example of that in my house, where he saw me having difficulties with my husband, his dad, obviously, and even with him, you know, like sometimes you just have to say, I don't know what I'm doing. But here's the thing, this is how I feel, and I don't want you to feel any of that if you want to talk great if you don't, I understand. I always impressed. I love you and I'm here. And that was the thing that from the time he was little to the time I divorced his dad, finally, when my son was about 17, the one thing that I can honestly say, even at the end, when his dad was trying to put that divide between me and my son and saying things and informing him of things, I always stood by my relationship with your dad is my relationship with your dad, my relationship with you is. Separate and different, and you can believe what you want. I'm not going to talk to you about the adult things going on in my relationship with him. My concern is you and me, and this is what we have to talk about. This is what we have to keep intact, because you and I have to be on the same side. And it wasn't being on the same side against his dad. I should clarify that it was just being on the same side of the situation, being on the same side of loving each other and supporting each other. And this is a big one. And I learned this, I think again, because of my childhood, even when my son was six, seven years old, respecting him. I wanted respect between my son and I, he didn't want to talk about something. Okay, well, when you're ready, I'm here. You know where to find me, because I'm not going to force that. I'm going to respect his need to process. He was a processor and a thinker, and just him giving me that same respect. There were times where he would walk in the house and just maybe see the look on my face and just know this isn't the time, you know, give me a few minutes, but at the same time, I never wanted to see my son down. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. There were times that I was so distraught. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't want to live my life anymore, but my son kept me going, but I'd never let him see me sobbing in fetal position in a dark corner of a room or so distraught in that way. I didn't ever want him witness that another person could tear me down to that level. I wanted to show him that bravery, that strength. I never asked to be strong, never wanted to be strong. I would have just rather be loved and be happy, but I wanted him to see that no matter what life gives you, you can be resilient, and that no matter what happens in that house, we can still go to the birthday party or to the Christmas or to the bouncy trampoline place with his friends, and we can laugh and we can experience joy, and we can live our lives and not let one person, no matter what they say or do, and no matter how down we feel, we are not letting that person have control over our spirit. And I think that, in itself, is the one thing that I really aim to do, and one thing that I think I succeeded at with him, because he's been able to do that.

DJ Stutz  12:23  
Well, and I think you bring up a few really important points here, and one of them was that we don't allow one person, or maybe even a group of people, to bring us down or to define who we are. And I think for adults as well as kids, it takes some kind of support and understanding of bravery there, and to stand up and say You're not the boss of me, right, in a way, and to say You're not the boss of how I feel about myself, you don't get to define me. And so when we hear about the bullying and some of the things that go on in school that our kids are going to have to manage through when we give them those kinds of voices in their head that can counteract the negative things that are coming, it enables them maybe to stand up more so even if they saw another child being mistreated by the popular kid or The whatever, the athlete or whatever. But we see that then to have that self esteem inside of them, in that you're not going to do that to me, and you're not going to do that to that other kid over here, whether they're my friend or not, but to be able to stand in and give them techniques. So some of the things that I've done with my students, with my kids, is, instead of jumping in and ready to fight the bully, to just say, turn your back on the bully. Talk to the victim kid. And I hate to say victim, because that's so demeaning, I know to me, but to say to the target, I guess, Hey, come on. We don't need to listen. Let's go play over here and just remove them from the situation. That takes a lot of bravery to do that, and strength within and another thing that you said, that I thought was really important was that the ability to find joy even when things are hard. And so how do we help our kids come through that? So a very traumatic childhood. I'm in that club too, but yet mine's different, I think, for different reasons. But my mom could be really loving more so with some kids than others. She's always been very open about her favorites, with her grandchildren, with her children, and kids knew who the favorite was, because she would tell them, yeah, but that's kind of hard. So when you give kids that ability to say, well, you know, that's just Grandy. And there were times when she could be very loving with everyone, very sweet, very funny, very whatever. And I don't know that you had that part that. I did with growing up, but I think that as we engage our kids, we also engage ourselves. So we are being really thoughtful about teaching our kids who to listen to, who not to listen to, how it's okay to be scared. In fact, you cannot be brave unless you are scared. And so you're bringing that piece in, and you're giving them those tools. We're reminding ourselves as we're doing that, because adults need that, that reminder as well. 

Dana Diaz  15:27  
Definitely.  And one of the things that helped me along, not just for myself, but for my son, especially when we didn't know what to do in a situation, it was just always this idea of just do the next right thing. You don't have to know exactly all the steps. You don't even know necessarily how to get to that end goal, but just look at the little steps, even with homework, because he had an issue with homework from an early age. I remember putting like other papers over it so we could just see the one math problem. Focus on the one thing. But I tried to break things down like that in life too, and not tell him what to do, not dictate. Because my life had been dictated, like every aspect of my life was dictated from what I could eat, what I could wear. I didn't want to do that. So it was just, let's just focus on the next step. Do the next right thing, if we don't know what to do, if it makes you feel settled and gives you peace that that is the right thing to do, just do that. Then let's look at the next step, and we'll do the next right thing next and we'll go there together. And I think again, it's just important for your kid to know I'm with you. I would always joke with my son when he got to that age where, well, that kid's lying. I didn't do this, or I would always just tell him I'm not concerned about everyone else. I just need to make sure you're telling me the truth, because I can't help you, and I can't help you make decisions if we don't know what's really going on. And I'm very fortunate that my son took that very literally, and he was a good kid, by all means. But there were times when I'd get the call from school saying, Well, he did this, and we asked him, and, boy, he didn't even try to deny it. So he is in a little trouble. But I would just say, You know what? That's good. I know what I'm working with, if my kid can be honest with me. But why was he honest with me? Because he knew he could trust me, because I wasn't going to yell, I wasn't going to judge, I wasn't going to ridicule. I just accepted it because it's done. There's nothing you can do to change it and say, Well, 

DJ Stutz  17:29  
There's no time machine you can go back to.

Dana Diaz  17:30  
That would not be what I would have done. What would have happened if you would have done this? Oh, well, I think maybe the other kid, okay, well, maybe next time, if you're in that situation, you know, just talk to them, because I think we get so caught up in trying to be the parent and trying to make sure they follow these rules and do this this way and think and guess what, even though they're your kid, they may not think like you. That's the reality.  

DJ Stutz  17:55  
For sure.  I think it's, oh my goodness, 

Dana Diaz  17:57  
To respect them enough to make their own decisions. I always had this idea, and forgive me, it's something coming from an abusive marriage where there was violence. I didn't always know if I was going to be around, so it was important to me. I always had this idea I may not always be around, so I need to help my son make decisions on his own. For when I'm not around to help him, I would just voice things out loud. Oh, well, this is your dilemma, or this is what happened. Well, if you do this, this might be the consequence. If you do, you know, kind of like, look down both roads and what do you think? And then he would tell me, because his perception might have been different and he might not have always chosen the things that I would have chosen for him, thinking I'm older and wiser, and should you know determine those things for him. But I think that the key goes back to what you said earlier. I think that we as parents want to raise our kids with all our wisdom and all our experience, and they're just supposed to automatically know and do the right thing, if we tell them. But I think if my son is like me, and he just has to go through it to really understand it, it can't be dictated, it can't be read, it can't be observed, everybody learns different, but letting him fail, watching him make mistakes important, cringing inside, because I know there's going to be some kind of upset or heartache or whatever, and it just gets worse as they get older, because bigger kids, bigger problems, but you have to let them go through it. I had to go through stuff, and that's where I learned. That's where growth and learning come from. And so you have to, sometimes respect your kid enough to just, you gotta let them fall Yeah, that's where you learn.

DJ Stutz  19:42  
That is so, so so, so important. And I think that we want kids to take risks. We want them to push themselves a little harder. Sometimes that's going to work out. Sometimes that's not. But again, going back to bravery, it's trying something new, trying. Something that I'm not sure how this is going to work out, because there's that fear of failing. You know, I think it's innate to most people, and more than others, but to not try something because I might fail, and your parents are there to say you got this or if it didn't work out. So what do you think you're going to do about that? Right? You know, and enable them and let them know I trust you. I believe that you can come up with an answer. I'm also and anyone who's listened for much time, they know that I really do advocate that weekly family meeting, call it whatever you want to call it, and giving them opportunities to role play and to try, you know, maybe if they're struggling with something at home or something at school or something at their sports or whatever, that you can role play in a play in a way that it's not Real, the threat really isn't there, right? And so you're able to process better. And so I love that, asking your kid and saying, yeah, how do you think you're going to work that out? It'll be interesting to see what you do using some of those terms. And say, you know, I'm here if you want, but I think you got this. I mean, you're smart kid and that's capable

Dana Diaz  21:24  
Supporting them even if you know they're making a wrong decision, or, I should say, a decision you don't agree with. But I think that's where that bravery comes in. But what do we want from bravery is resilience, and you're not going to get resilience. They're not going to feel their own sense of self respect and self love if they don't have to pick themselves off the ground. If they don't fail, they will never learn how to recover from that. And that is such an important lesson, because I don't care who you are and how amazing you are, everybody fails. Everybody fails at something repeatedly through life and the the bravery comes into standing back up and trying again, and that's what we need to teach our kids, because really, I mean abuse situation or not, you're not always going to be there to say you can do it. You could, you know, but if you say it enough, and if you help them work it out on their own and figure out how to navigate situations on their own. They will eventually learn to do it, and you can still be there. I love that idea, and I'd constantly checked in with my son, but even as he got older, we started to do it because he wasn't a morning person. Most teenagers aren't. They needed sleep right for developmental reasons, but we would check in at night before I'd go to bed, I'd go and hang out in his room for a few minutes, and we'd check in with each other. And I loved that. I got some criticism from some people that are like, You guys are more like friends. No, there was a very clear distinction that I'm mom and he's the son, but we had a respectful relationship, where I received his advice or his comments or opinions and he received mine. And I like that. I wanted him to know what was going on in my life, age appropriate, of course. And I wanted him to know that he could come to me and now that he's living in his own house now, and he still comes to mom once a week at least, but it's usually Friday or Saturday night. He comes over and we have dinner and we catch up on everything, when I'll say, Oh yeah, I saw in social media this picture. Are you doing that? And how was that thing? And he'll ask me, what's going on in my life and and we know we are actively involved and completely aware of what's going on in each other's lives, and that's so important to me as he is now in his early adulthood, because I feel like now we're going to carry on that bond that we built. I never felt this is when kids feel like they can't go to mom and dad. This is when they're terrified to go to mom and dad, when they screwed up, and when they make bad decisions that you know sometimes lead to consequences that are irreversible and sometimes can be deadly or harmful and otherwise. And I never wanted that with my kid. You don't want to have that kid who's terrified to call you and stuff like that that would come in my head that I just wanted to make sure that my son knew he's never going to get resistance from me, even if I'm mad about something he did or not really in agreement, really less than thrilled. Wish he hadn't done something. If he comes to me, I can help him, and I just don't want to ever break that bond. So I'm so grateful that I did something right. I hope, I mean, at least with him, I feel like I did, and that in itself, is brave to just take that chance on both ends, to teach each other. Because, I mean, I didn't know how to be a mother until he came along. So he taught me to be a mother, and I taught. How to navigate a world that isn't always going to be nice, because that was, unfortunately, my area of expertise, and we did it together, and we're still bonded and close. And I mean, he's my world. I just am so grateful for that.

DJ Stutz  25:13  
That's so wonderful. And I think, too, one of the things you brought up that was really important, I think was the thing of you're not swooping in to fix, you know, all of his things. We have so many things now where a kid falls down, and the first thing they do is they look up at mom or dad to see what kind of reaction mom or dad's going to give. And so if you're like, Oh yeah, fell down, you know, my big thing was, oh, crash and burn. Okay, get up, you know. But you're gonna have your own way of saying things, yes, but if you don't get, like, overly upset with, oh, wow, this happened at school, geez, that's not a great thing. What are you gonna do to fix it? Even very young, ev en a child at four years old, and they get in trouble because they hit somebody at their preschool or

Dana Diaz  26:06  
and they always do. They get in

DJ Stutz  26:08  
They always do. That's just part of it, even good part of it.

Dana Diaz  26:12  
Yeah.

DJ Stutz  26:13  
I mean, I grew up with five brothers and one sister. My sister, I've never had an argument in our whole lives, never even when we were but she's seven years younger, so she didn't fit my clothes. She wasn't a complication with boyfriends, the biggest problem, yeah, and she was so adorable and fun. She was just fun. And so what's to argue about? But when there's that many boys in the house, and my mom was raised by lumberjacks, literally? Yeah, that's like, one step up from wolves. And so she was more rough and tumble, rather than the princess, right? And so she was like, Oh, you're bleeding. Okay, well, let's go clean it up. You know, I wasn't all like. When we get like that, we teach our children yes to better off and to fear things rather than going out and trying something strong. And that was something my mom did really well. She did a lot of things not so really well. But she did a lot of things really well. 

Dana Diaz  27:15  
Oh, sounds normal, human,

DJ Stutz  27:17  
yeah, exactly, exactly. 

Dana Diaz  27:19  
But I love that, because that's similar to what I did. I mean my things like you said, everybody has their phrase. And from the time my son was little and stumbling around on his feet to this day, my thing was always, ah, you'll be all right, come on. Let's get up. Let's see what's going on. And it's funny because now I hear him telling other people, whether a friend is broken up with a girlfriend or somebody hurt themselves. He's like, ah, you'll be all right, yeah. And I like that because, honestly, I've told him that the worst thing that can ever happen is that somebody died. And I would joke with him after that and say, and if somebody is dead, it's sad, it's awful, but you're not Jesus. You cannot resuscitate them. You cannot revive them. It is what it is. Then we process and deal and mourn and grief and all that. But nothing is that bad. We can always come back. And that is something I really impressed upon him, and that's where that you'll be all right comes from, yeah, because stuff happened, but we were always All right.

DJ Stutz  28:18  
Yeah, exactly. What a great point of view. I love it. I love it. I think then, if you were talking to a parent who maybe just had a baby in your soup, you know, of course, you're super wash your hands before you touch the baby, all of that, and that's good stuff, and that's good stuff. But let's think about to the cognitive learning that our kids are going to learn, what would be probably the single most important piece of advice that you would want to give a parent just starting out,

Dana Diaz  28:47  
I hate to say it's kind of what I just said. I don't like to get too complicated, because there's so much there, but just you're going to be all right, you're going to know I tell what I tell people when they're having their first baby and they might express some fear or anxiety. I just say, You know what? When that baby comes out of you, you are going to know you mom, whether you have another child or not, are going to know exactly what that baby needs. And believe me, there is nothing more instinctual than a baby that's going to tell you when it's hungry or it's diapers wetter, that it's tired, true. I always tell them, follow your gut. Follow your gut, and just it's not hard, unless you make it hard. But just love the baby. If it's hungry, feed the baby. If the baby's crying and its diapers changed, it needs soothing, Rock The Baby, talk nice to the baby. Just follow your gut, because you will know what to do. You will instinctively know what to do, assuming you do love this child. But I mean, look at how many people even go into situations, whether it's orphanages, foster homes, hospitals, where the mother, unfortunately, I've passes away or whatever, and. There are other people there standing in giving the baby soothing. So as long as the baby's needs are met and the baby has very, very simple needs, everything will be okay. But it's just about just relaxing, and like you said, not getting riled up about it because your anxiety that baby's going to feed on that energy, it's going to be okay. That's all I tell people, just relax. It's gonna be fine. 

DJ Stutz  30:23  
It's funny. I just last week was doing some reading on some new studies that are out. That's my whole thing. And one of the studies was so interesting that they were talking about how we're so busy, tell me about your feelings, or tell me about a time when you were really sad. And the intention, I think, is good, where I want to give you these strategies, right? But when kids are little, anytime that they have been really sad, it's because mom or dad didn't give me my way, or they didn't let me go somewhere. And so it's actually burdening the relationship sorry between parent and child, because that's really the only thing that they have, and that sometimes asking them to remember or to talk about, and you were mentioning how your son didn't want to talk about a lot of things, a lot of people to talk about, it is making them go through that whole scenario again. And so they're re traumatizing themselves by being forced to talk about something that they aren't ready to talk about, or live 300%

Dana Diaz  31:29  
Well. And I think that when you're calling attention to something and making a thing of it, I mean, what are you telling that child? And it depends on the age, if you're I mean, when I started having to talk to my son about things, we're talking about a 678, year old child, he's not able to developmentally comprehend all the things that are involved in this situation. Kids live very much in the moment. They're very in the present. So to force them to go back to something that wasn't even nice to begin with. They may not have emotions or feelings about it, they might have in the moment, but they let that go. This is what I love about kids. Aren't they the most forgiving something can happen. They could be at complete odds, but then they work it out real quick and be like, okay, and then their buddies again, and everything goes on, and they love you again, and it's like they've just forgiven and forgotten, and it's a beautiful thing, but trying to force them to go back and delve into something that they have already let go, Yeah, you're forcing them and creating an idea in their brain that this was more traumatic than how they remembered it. So now you're going to infiltrate their minds with insecurity, self doubt. No, I just was never interested in that. I just figured if my son had something he wanted to talk about, fine, but I had to also remember I was mom, I'm not a friend, I'm not a therapist, I'm not this thing, and I didn't have that relationship with my son, but I felt more comfortable going to a friend or I remember at one point I had a teacher that was very happy noticed something was often that I could confide in, but trying to force that relationship is not going to help anything. It's just going to push them away and create more distance. But calling attention to stuff is just making it into something. It doesn't have to be. So I'm not in agreement with that, but I don't tell people how to raise their kids either. I've had this saying. I have all these little sayings. I've tried to tell my son along the way, so giving him all my wisdom, but I've always told him, life is not complicated. People make it complicated, right? And nobody needs those complications, so I tell them, just live a simple life. Just be a good human being. Follow your moral compass. It will always tell you what's right and wrong. Follow your gut when you don't know what to do, and everything else will follow like that study. It just gets to be too much when people want to force kids to feel and then they're forcing them. We wonder why kids are so sensitive and reactive, and all the ADHD and all this stuff that's going on that we've never seen such a prevalence of that before, and maybe it's in these new approaches. So we're on the opposite end of that now, and I feel like it's too much. You have to find the balance. If a kid's feeling something in a moment, validate it. If that's a two year old that just fell down on their face and got scuffed up, maybe they even have a little nosebleed. Obviously, 10 do it, but it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I know that hurts. That would hurt a lot if I fell on my face too. The end, you don't have to make a thing of it. You don't have to talk to them five years later about the feelings that they might have had a kid roughed you up at school and spit on you that happened to my son once said some nasty things. Yeah, it doesn't feel good when people talk bad about this or that, or, you know, spit on you how demeaning and disrespectful I would feel that too. And even if you don't understand how your kids feel, don't tell them that, because I've heard parents say that I don't understand. Well, my mother said that to me, I don't understand. And why you feel that way now you're judging, criticizing and shaming them. They're allowed to have their own feelings. They are not you. 

DJ Stutz  35:07  
Yeah, and then to say, I'm here, if you want to talk about it, life's going to get better. So I'm more interested in, how are you going to move forward? Right? Where do we go from here? Where do you think exactly and let them kind of process and follow through and then develop that confidence that comes in order for them to be brave, exactly, bravery requires a certain level of confidence.

Dana Diaz  35:30  
Oh, yes, very much. So, I mean, it reminds me very much of healing from trauma and abuse, and when I speak in that realm, one of the things that comes up quite often is that people want others to heal, like right now or right out of a situation and sometimes, and I'm definitely a promoter of this, you need to just take care of you for a while. You need to just rediscover you who you are, because once you understand that, and you know what your favorite color is, and you like yourself, wear that favorite outfit, and you're feeling authentic, and you know who you are, you know how you feel, you you're aware, then you're in a better place to move forward. So whether we're talking about bravery or resilience or we're talking about healing, and the other aspect of that is that you cannot force somebody to do it just because you think they should. You cannot tell an alcoholic that if they stop drinking the beer or whatever it is the whiskey, that their life is going to suddenly be better. They have to be willing to stop when they are ready. If they are ready, they will do it. And if somebody is ready to take that brave route and understand you know how to move forward, they will do it, and that goes for parents and kids. But your kids are going to generally look to you for some aspect of knowing how to react and how to behave in certain situations. So it is your responsibility as a parent to exemplify that.

DJ Stutz  36:58  
You're so right. So Dana, gosh, we could go on forever on this. Why don't you let our listeners in on what are some ways that they can get a hold of you and learn about your book?

Dana Diaz  37:10  
Yes, definitely. My website's probably the best way. Danasds.com, D, A N, A S, D, I, a z.com, the book gasping for error. The stranglehold of narcissistic abuse is on any platform. You can buy books online. Most people love Amazon, but the link for the books on my website, but if you go to my website, sign up for the email list, because my next book that will be released later this year is about my childhood, and it is about it'll definitely tell a story of how you can raise a child. It's an interesting read. It'll be very interesting for people to definitely get something out of whether they've been through that kind of a childhood or not. So I urge them to sign up for that and also follow me on Facebook or Instagram. Links are also on the website. This podcast will also be on the website. So if you think you know another mom or another dad that might get something out of this episode, please share it with them. Like first, share it second, because there is somebody out there who might resonate coming better from us than from you, and we don't want you to be in that kind of a confrontation.

DJ Stutz  38:16  
Right? And I like that you said like and share because, yes, that's what we keep pushing for with ours as well. So Dana, I always ask my guests the same question at the end of our conversation, and we know that there are no perfect parents don't exist, but some parents are more successful than others. I would say, How would you describe a successful parent?

Dana Diaz  38:39  
I think a successful parent is a parent who accepts each child as who that child organically is, and doesn't try to turn them into something that they're not.

DJ Stutz  38:54  
I agree. So good point. Great point. Great point. Dana, thank you so much for being a part of the show. And like we were just saying, if you enjoyed what you hear, go ahead and give us a rating and review. Tell a friend. Sign up for that newsletter for on ours and go get Dana's as well. And until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys. Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the paths of joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup, just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. So schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting. 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai